Nadav Spiegelman


Jessica Fern, Eve Rickert, and Nora Samaran
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Check out John Gottman’s book The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for Couples.
At the self level, one way to develop earned secure attachment is through making sense of your story. According to Daniel Siegel, we can make sense of our attachment history by creating a coherent narrative of our past experiences.72 We do this by putting together the story of what we went through as a child and examining how our attachment history impacts our present sense of self and our relationships today.
Daniel Siegel’s research has also shown that the main predictor of a child’s attachment style is not whether or not their parents had an insecure or secure attachment style, but whether or not their parents were able to make sense of their own attachment history. When parents had trauma and attachment insecurity but were able to create a coherent narrative of what they went through, they were then able to break the cycle of attachment insecurity that can easily get passed down from one generation to the next and, instead, parent their own child from an earned secure stance.
Over-involving the child in the parent’s state of mind, where the parent’s emotions or state of mind is more central to the parent-child interaction than the child’s. In this case, the child might be asked (whether explicitly or implicitly) to be responsible for meeting the parent’s needs, making the parent feel better or supplying the parent with meaning and purpose. This is often due to a parent’s own level of anxiety, stress or unresolved trauma, or their own anxious attachment history. When the state of mind of the parent is the centerpiece of interactions, the child is left to constantly monitor and be concerned about their parent’s state of well-being, which can encourage a role reversal in which the child is acting more like the parent in the relationship. As a child, being responsible for a parent’s well-being is a misplaced, confusing and overwhelming responsibility.
People functioning from this style tend to jump into relationships or bond very quickly with people.
Research and literature on attachment have provided undeniable evidence about how relationships with our parents and lovers shape our attachment style, but the impact of siblings is not as commonly discussed, despite being just as important to our attachment style.
Is it honestly possible to feel safe and secure in a capitalist society that defines our human value based on what we do and how much we make, rather than who we are? Is it honestly possible to feel safe and secure in a society that bombards us with messages asserting (even aggressing) that in order to be secure in our self or with our place in the world we need to acquire more money, more religion, more objects, more products, more body-altering procedures or more property?
Secure attachment is created through the quality of experience we have with our partners, not through the notion or the fact of either being married or being a primary partner.
Many of my clients report being highly anxious and off their emotional axis for hours, sometimes even days, before their partner goes on a date with someone else. Others seriously spiral out while the date is happening. Cognitively, they know that their partner is still alive, not abandoning them or doing anything wrong, but their body and emotions are in primal panic. In such cases, jealousy is not a sufficient or accurate description of what is happening for the partner in distress. When primal attachment panic gets mislabeled as jealousy, the partner experiencing it can be left thinking that there is something wrong with them, that this is their issue to figure out on their own and that they should be better at doing CNM.
Since we are talking about attachment-based polyamorous relationships, we are talking about relationships in which you are committed to showing up for each other regularly, prioritizing each other (from choice, not obligation), actively cherishing each other, doing the work required to build a relationship and possibly even building a life together (though having a life commitment is not a prerequisite for secure attachment).